I can’t allow myself to indulge in daydreaming about American road trips and European backpacking, for the sole reason that I become so overwhelmingly excited with the potentiality of my upcoming trip. If I gave myself the luxury of dwelling in my imagination for too long too often I simply would not be able to function in my current reality for the next 38 days (not that I’m counting)! Thinking about this trip builds the kind of excitement in me that borders on anxiety. I’ve come to learn that there is a very fine line between anticipation and full blown panic. But, even when I get a little too carried away with dreams of cobbled streets, crepes, galleries and bookstores and begin to lose control of my feelings, I can’t deny that beneath the terror I quite like it. Even though it absolutely scares me shitless, I love that I have no idea where I am going to end up, that I have absolutely no clue who I will meet, what I will do, what I will learn. I love that I am right on the verge of living the greatest dream of my life so far. I can’t get enough of the anticipation, the fear, the pure possibility and although, almost unbearably, I cannot wait to board that plane, I am so enjoying this moment very moment in time. I feel like a runner on the starting blocks, a horse in the gates, such a tightly wound coil of adrenalin, every moment past building up to this exact one. And I love this space in time so much because everything is still yet to come. The book of possibility is full of blank pages. And once the gun blows, before you know it, it’s over, done, in the blink of an eye all you have dreamt of, all you have been working towards is achieved, a thing of the past, a collection of memories, photographs and journal entries. I can’t imagine living through a period of greater expectation than I am right now, and not expectation of specific experiences as such, but expectation of having my life changed, my heart blown wide open, my mind expanded and beliefs shattered in ways I could never imagine, I expect to get to know myself on a much deeper level, to find out what I am capable of, to face my fears head on, and fall in love a million times over. But before that comes, I will enjoy the excruciating practice of patience and I will try my hardest to keep the butterflies in my belly sedated, and my excitement tucked securely in my heart for a little while longer before I let it burst forth in all its vibrant expression and manifest before my eyes like the most extraordinary of all dreams. At times I am struck by such wondrous disbelief that this trip is actually happening. I have made this happen. This dream whose seed was planted in my heart so very many years ago has grown and it so close to blossoming I can smell its sweetness. And even though I can’t say how, I know that everything will work out exactly as it is meant to for the Universe is always supportive of those who are brave, she is always working to bring you and your dreams together, and if you let go and allow her to work her magic she will bring you the essence of your desires in more incredible manifestations that you could ever dream of. The Universe favours those who go in the direction of their dreams for they speak her language, the language of pure creation and pure love. So, in the moments of doubt and uncertainty, I tell myself, do not be afraid of following your heart for it will always lead you home. Home to who you really are, and who you are meant to be. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, they will not lead you astray. And I just hope, that when it comes, and when I find my self smack bang in the middle of this incredible adventure, I will remember to take a moment to pause, to appreciate that I am living my dream. I pray that I won’t get so caught up in living that I forget to take the time to breathe it all in, to soak it all up, to smile to myself and give thanks to the Universe, a simple acknowledgement that this is it, all I have ever desired up until this moment, I am living.
I grew up so afraid of monsters hiding beneath my bed
though the only monsters that can hurt me are the ones inside my head
my parents always told me there’s really nothing to fear
but they didn’t know the frightening words ringing in my ear
the monsters furtively told me there are dangers everywhere
far better to play it safe than risk a nasty scare
for years I listened to their whispers making myself so small
no terror could ever find me, ever break down my walls
one day a wise woman took my hand and looked me in the eye
she stroked my hair so tenderly I couldn’t help but cry
full of gentleness and grace she said, you are more than this my dear
monsters must dwell in darkness if they are to spread their fear
but you are not the darkness and the dark need not be fought
all you ever need to do is turn on your inner light
listen to the voice inside your heart, hear what its secrets are
they will open for you doors and take you so very far
beyond the covers of your bed you curl under so tight
beyond the whispers of the monsters that grow louder every night
beyond the judgments and criticisms you have always thought true
beyond the doubt and hesitation that have steadily trailed you
you will see that this world is brighter than you ever dared to dream
and the monsters you have been haunted by nothing but vaporous steam
Creatures of habit
walking through life
in a haze of unconscious reactions.
or perhaps, only existing
day in and day out
so the same endings happen
again and again and again.
Yet they wonder,
Why God, oh why, is life so damn hard?
So unwilling they are
to shift their gaze to the stars
and stand in their place
and claim their state
fully, wholly, on their own shoulders
instead of firing out blame
and avoiding the shame
they perceive comes
from being on your knees.
But what they don’t see
is the pure possibility
that reveals itself;
that rises from ashes
if only you would choose
to stop singing the blues.
Step into your power
unfold as a flower
blooms in the spring
growing into the light
of its own unique being.
Dogs are the beloved companions of so many of us, many don’t realise though that they can also be incredible teachers. If we observe and listen and allow, they can teach us so much about trust, loyalty, patience, devotion, love, fear and probably any other life lesson.
I have a 9 month old Koolie pup, well actually I have 2, a brother and sister who we adopted from a rescue centre when they were 7 months old, but this lesson came from the sister, Emmy. Emmy has a heart the size of the world, I have never met a more intimate dog, she wants to be as close to you as possible all the time, she is always curled into your lap, or worming her way under your bed covers or burying her head in your neck, she needs physical contact, she needs to be held, she needs to be loved.
Being a rescue dog, I have no idea how Emmy spent the first 7 months of her life, how she was treated, if she was given the love she so desperately craves. However I do know that whatever happened to her it left her incredibly insecure and fearful. Her closeness stems from her nervousness which stems from her insecurity which stems from a fear rooted deep within her psyche. This fear rears its tormenting head whenever she is around unfamiliar dogs and people and is expressed through very uncharacteristic aggressive and ferocious behaviour. She gets her hackles up and transforms into a fierce, dominant, snarling, snapping attack dog. She immediately goes into defence, shifts into a protective, attacking frame of mind that is almost impossible to break through. She shuts down, she won’t listen or respond and it is extremely difficult to redirect her attention.
This kind of behaviour though I have realised is in no way limited to (possibly abused) dogs. many humans also throw up walls and habitually attack others as a way of preventing being hurt themselves. Out past hurts cause us to perceive threats in the unknown, where in reality there are often none. We reactively jump on the defence so as to protect our fragile, wounded hearts.
So, how do we move past this? How do we help, or hold space, for others to see beyond illusory threats into the realm of beautiful possibility and opportunity? With Emmy, when she tries to intimidate and attack other dogs at the beach there are a few choice available to me as to how to handle the situation. I could yell and discipline her, keep her leashed and away from all other dogs never allowing her the opportunity to see the perceived threats for what they really are, illusions. But this, I believe, would serve only to keep her bound by the fear, blocked from love, controlled by her insecurities, fears and nervousness. You cannot fight fire with fire. You cannot move through aggression with more aggression.
An alternative way would be to go to her, in all her apparent craziness, to give her love, to let her feel safe, supported, secure, and allow her the time to suss out her perceived threat, to come to her own realisation that the other dog or person or motorbike or whatever will not hurt her. And gradually, so long as I make the commitment to be patient, and give her the time she needs to go through the process again and again as many times as it takes, she will move past the fear, she will gain confidence, self-assurance, she will feel safe and supported and not threatened. And in return, she will unfold before my eyes, she will transform into the all loving beautiful animal I see everyday. She will open that great big heart of hers hidden behind her walls and bless me with unwavering loyalty, devotion, friendship, companionship and love. Because I made her feel safe, I supported her the whole way while she learned how to trust, how to let go of the fear. Then, what we gain is a relationship built on trust and unconditional love, rather than fear, domination, control and discipline.
And this lesson, that love is the way to freedom, not force or control or aggression, can be applied to any other situation. Imagine what the world could be like if, when someone hurts us, or is defensive towards us, or attacks us, we could recognise their action not as hateful aggression but an expression of fear, a means of protecting their heart, a habitual reaction to a perceived threat. And what if we could see these people not as bad or evil, but as hurt and scared and simply in need of love, support and a sense of safety. And, in this knowledge, what if we could react not with more defensiveness, more aggression and more fear that will fuel the painful cycle but with understanding, compassion, patience, forgiveness and love, and create a safe, non-judgemental space where the perceived threat can dissolve. A space that allows for transformation, healing, awakening and love. Maybe then we could experience true change and growth both within ourselves and others. We could, rather than fuel a society rampant with competition and separation, begin to develop a community built on cooperation, connection and friendship.
we are in the wake
of a great shifting
you better free your mind
before they illegalize thought
there’s a war going on
the first casualty was truth
and it’s inside you
the universe is counting on our belief
that faith is more powerful than fear
and in that the shifting moment
we’ll all remember why we’re here
in a world where you’re assassinated for having a dream
and the rich spend 9 billion a year to control our ideas
and visions are televised so things aren’t what they seem
we gotta believe
in a world where
there’s room enough for everyone
cause reality is made up of
7 billion thoughts
who made up their minds
of what’s real and what’s not
so I stopped believing
in false idols of war
greed and hate
is not worth my faith
my mind’s dedicated
my soul is devoted
and love is God
and God is truth
and truth is you
and you are me
and I am everything
and everything is nothing
and nothing is the birthplace of creation
and transformation is possible
and you are proof
we were born right now
for a reason
we can be whatever
we give ourselves the power to be
and right now we need
give what you most deeply desire
every moment you are choosing to live
or you are waiting
why would a flower hesitate to open?
now is the only moment
rain drop let go
become the ocean
possibility is as wide
as the space
to hold it
I want to break open, wide enough that the light can reach my darkest corners and deepest holes. I want all the layers that have been placed on me, wrapped around me, covering my soul with what they made me believe I should be, to be shattered into thousands of tiny pieces scattering like exploding stars across the galaxy birthing new solar systems and new worlds. I want to be left stripped back to the bare, naked, raw, untainted essence of who I really am. I want to be free to dance, to be wild and uninhibited, to shake of the doubt and spin off the dust, to reawaken and be reborn, to let my soul move my body and my hips sing their song. I want the radiance of my being to shine brighter than I thought possible repelling any and all judgements or criticisms that for so long have bound me in their chains and kept me on the ground. I want to fall deeper into love with every moment I breathe. In love with the magical, miraculous, mysterious, mythical life we live. Fuck rationality, fuck logic, normality, rules, laws, rights and wrongs. Lets allow life to be more incredibly breathtaking than we could ever imagine. Why does everything need to be measured, understood, controlled and made sense of in our minds; what if we allowed ourselves to be guided by how we felt, by our dreams and our hearts. Let there be mystery, let there be magic. That’s where the beauty is, thats where the quickening of the heart and the butterflies in the stomach and the uncontrollable smile and the rush of joy through your veins is found. Worship the Goddess, bathe in the light of the full moon, make raw, passionate, heartbreaking love, get your head out of the way and feel, open, let yourself go deep, because why the fuck not? Why the fuck not. We are born wild, we are born open, we are born believing in our own perfection and eternal essence. Rediscover that belief. Find that deep burning love that will fill you from the inside and carry you through life and break you open again and again so you finally stop building walls around your heart out of fear of being hurt. Pain and love are not so far apart, there is love in pain and pain in love and maybe I’m a masochist but god damn it I love the pain, I love the hurt even when it hurts so so bad. I love being broken, my greatest strength is born out of the very moments everything falls apart. So I crave being shattered on the floor with nothing left to hold onto but myself. I love the pure opportunity, potentiality, possibility, the clear sky, the blank canvas, the vast ocean that opens up to you when all of your expectations, dreams, plans have been ripped out of you and burnt to ash before your eyes. I seek the uncomfortable, I chase the fear, I feel most alive outside of my comfort zone, living from instinct and diving deep into the unknown. And I thrive here, because it is in these spaces that I know I will be bestowed the greatest gifts. Allow love to break you, and allow love to heal you, and try, always try, to feel it all, to absolutely, completely and fully, live and breathe it all. Don’t block anything out, don’t ever hold yourself back, stop living your life for the sake of others and live for you, for your heart and soul. Go where you know your heart wants to take you, go unapologetically, you don’t need to justify anything, explain anything, rationalise anything, this will only suck the magic out of your adventure and give its power to those who will dampen it. Just go, follow the sun and draw strength from the moon, be guided by the wind, trace your map in the stars, and leave your path in the grass, change as nature does and fly with your own wings. When your heart breaks let it break, when something touches your soul let it linger, when sights bring tears to your eyes let them fall. Stop making yourself small, stop fitting yourself into boxes. You are big, big enough to hold the entire Universe within you and with enough love in your heart to heal the whole planet. Let it flow out, let it brighten your world and glisten in your eyes. Let it pull you closer and closer, deeper and deeper into yourself. Go through life believing in magic and magic is what you will find. Let the beauty of this world reveal herself to you and let her love you endlessly.
The Goddess roars, she tears across the Earth in an impassioned dance of torrential rain, hail, blizzards, and hurricanes leaving death and destruction in her wake. She is fierce, ferocious, uncompromising in the wild unleashing of her power. She serves us an often brutal reminder of both her presence and strength leaving us in awe of her command and reach. But, if we recognise her, if we greet her roar with humble respect, if we allow her reminder to widen the opening of our hearts, if, in all her fury, we fall even more deeply into love with her, which is us, she will open our eyes to the indescribable beauty and perfection that is inherently within all that is.
She will appear in the sunlight that glistens on raindrops settled in the leaves of a great oak tree; she will be the gentle breeze that slips through the window and plays with the loose strands of your hair; she will be the force behind waterfalls that gush and tumble and the rainbows that reflect off their spray; she will be the ever new, ever unique, brilliant breathtaking beauty of the sunrise and the sunset we are invited to silently witness at the break of each dawn and the fall of each dusk; she will carry the smell of new beginnings that calls us to emerge from our shelter after the wild storm passes; she is the blue dream of sky that parts the dense grey blanket above and; she will be the flicker of hope that ignites within that guides us towards a new way of being.
The Goddess shows us how to love in a way that defies all reason, all sense, all logic. She teaches us to love as the Universe itself loves; in a way that is capable of (in the slightly altered words of Sally Kempton), when necessary, destroying the very life it creates when conditions become untenable.
She projects as pure creation constantly in the direction of the sacred, unafraid of demonstrating the impermanence and every changing nature of life to awaken the understanding and acceptance within us that knows that for there to be a birth there must sometimes first be a death. The Goddess gives us the opportunity of new creation in recognition and respect of the Divine Feminine that is the source and life force behind everything that is.
When you look at someone else,
and see that which you long to be,
know that what you long for is within you,
they, a mirror, of your own possibility
All you need to do is feel,
your ever beating heart,
listin to the voice within it saying,
go now, share your art
For too long have you stayed folded,
kept tight closed within your shell,
your shape far to moulded,
by those who believe they know too well
Watch your light grow brighter,
as you turn to the voice within,
feel yourself become lighter,
as you shed your constrictive skin
Become who you already are,
one who holds the universe in her heart,
shine brilliantly as a star,
lighting the darkest night